[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”