I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
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The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Breaking news:
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos