no their not
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According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk