When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
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At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
consequences, the bane of my existence
the world’s most popular steaming services
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow