[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
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Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several