I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
You Might Also Like
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed