In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
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Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Mmmm canned fish.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!