[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
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Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad