911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
do u think theres a butter planet?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.