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I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there