[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
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An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
that colleague who touches your screen
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
crochet youtube is brutal
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.