The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct