all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
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During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
then why did i get this email
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30