Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
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[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]