[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.