Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
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WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Storm Tropical Storm
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’