I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
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romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I’ve been drinking.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it