When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
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when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Well, that didn’t work.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.