me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
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If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
are they though??
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday