ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?