Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
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[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
lost dog
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years