Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
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Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Phonetics
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?