I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
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Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My sex drive has a dui
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”