restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
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If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”