Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
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her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.