Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
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“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
a badder mouse
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME