90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
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[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5