If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
You Might Also Like
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?