I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
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“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives