*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
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I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?