*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
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Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
*struts into the new year
~ trips
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal