I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
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I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”