My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
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DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Bobby pin
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*