Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
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ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…