I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
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Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.