If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
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Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe