ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
You Might Also Like
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Just this preview of the story is enough
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.