Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
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Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
The news in a nutshell.
How your email finds me
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.