I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
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Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
and this one
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.