23. the denim jacket
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The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Care for your back