me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
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Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.