I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
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Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda