Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
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my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Bed should get ready for ME
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”