my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
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A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.