My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
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Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
tis the season
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Doggies just call it style.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
respect
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.