judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
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You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
guys I’m going home
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*