Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
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Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
happy friday
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.