Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
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HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME