[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.