“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
You Might Also Like
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
the official breakfast of 2021
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I’m giving up for Lent.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.